A few years back I started writing articles to submit to a fake news website. Only one got published. This is not one of them, so I’m putting it here. I’ve changed it to reflect that human chipmunk Michael Gove is no longer the education secretary.
Nation’s Children Unprepared for Dystopian Future
In a stark warning to parents and children around the country, Education Secretary Justine Greening warned that the nation’s children are “woefully unprepared” for the dystopian future to come.
In a broad-ranging speech, Greening opined that while teaching at least basic English and Maths was “broadly desirable”, there would be “no need to do long-division when the entire monetary system, and by extension society as a whole, has collapsed”.
She suggested that there was too much “red tape and waste” the current curriculum, adding that schools should prepare children for the coming horrors via repeating viewings of the Mad Max trilogy in Media lessons and class readings of Cormac McCarthy’s bleak post-apocalyptic novel The Road during English Literature.
She also added that Technology classes should focus less on out-dated skills such as woodwork and more on teaching students about robots, given that many of the young generation will be entrusted in the cleaning and maintenance of the robots that will be populous in the future. PE lessons, she said, should be mainly concerned with weight-lifting, running and hiding, as what passes for society in the future will doubtless be a murderous free-for-all where only the strongest or quickest will survive.
Greening ended her speech by commenting that he felt the time was right for the Conservative government to point out how unprepared we as a country were for the coming horrors of tomorrow.
“We have always positioned ourselves as the party of the future, and we need to address what kind of future that will be – we have a duty to make sure our children are as prepared as they can be for the living hell they will have to endure. Thankfully, we intend to put measures in place to allow the nation’s children to eke out a flimsy, terrified existence as society crumbles around them”.